I’ve changed so much. So much that 3 years ago I can’t even picture myself like this.
Warning: Post may be a bit vulgar.
Maybe I should consider privatising this blog because I’m scared of people reading my true feelings. Since this blog is nearly 100% pure true honest thoughts
I’m currently waiting for my warning letter to come. For ponning so many maths lessons. Too bad but yawyaw very naggy and stupid and cannot teach.
So I got damn pissed with yawyaw this morning because this woman marked me absent (according to my friends). I mean dude, I actually came for lesson you should feel damn honoured. I’m not the type of student who will chase after distinction for useless module. Sound like an irony because a few posts ago I said I want a lot of distinctions. But I gave up on maths. One is enough. And hearing people say that I don’t deserve it makes me guilty too. Yup, and I was drawing this very ‘nice’ diagram to solve a max/min question that bitch said that “oh so you actually listened to me and use my method”. Seriously fucker?! I drew that fucking shit before you explained to my friend sitting right behind me. Do you think I will even want to listen to your ass voice? So yeah, and please respect my privacy. Whether I am reading chemistry or doing maths sum STOP looking at what I’m doing I do not like it at all. If you want to treat me as invisible then continue. Don’t happy happy treat me like air happy happy come talk to me. And oh yah, what is with that sarcastic remark about me asking Pearlyn to teach me. Like, why can’t I ask my friend to help me in a question I’m stuck at? Maybe if you start teaching nicely I would have knew how to do. Even Pearlyn teach better than you. Once she tell me my mistake in dy/dt I got my fucking answer. And do you think I will remember the formula after like 1 year not doing it? Yup, you don’t really have to remark “oh, so now you are teaching your friend.” really. You failed as a lecturer. You do not deserve to teach DBS. You do not deserve to teach any course in SP. Just go home and teach your children. Just ask SP to send me warning letter you heartless.
Chemistry was just mock test and open book and I ate during test :’D
A PHY was funny because a classmate fractured his finger then they were using tape to tie together hahhahaha wts. Teacher send him to see doctor hahahhahahaha Joker but made my day.
CPR is a bit… high? hahahahahhahahaxD my group really daebak. We get happy over stupid small stuff. But at least my group idea (in my own opinion) is the most feasible, most interesting and most likely to succeed hahahahahxD And I know the doing part will be a happy process because we all are idiots hahahahahaxD
Okay, shall blog the main point now.
So today is sort of the last BDD meeting with this batch of BDD people. Mixed feelings because on one part I am damn happy to get rid of a person but on another side this means I probably drift off from red cross and become loyal to whatever CCA that involves me.
As much as I love red cross, I also equally enjoy other cca and is like, I have friends from those cca and I can’t choose which to commit. I know DBS is a crazy course and it is impossible to have too many cca commitments if I want to do well.
So after the meeting boss made the year 1s state if we want to get higher roles or whatever they call it. To be damn honest, I’m not sure. I can only decide after I see my MST results because DBS>CCA. But if my MST is good I want to continue to be in BDD. Because I am very scared I make a mess due to my dumbness. I’m usually a confident person, but once I make a mistake all my confidence will go to zero and that’s why I try very very hard. It’s like, when I do presentation, I will do very well until I say something wrong or forgot a line, then my confidence will go all the way down and I won’t do as well. One mistake is all it takes to kill me. Because I made mistakes before, and people blame me harshly for it. And yes, I made a mistake in BDD before. That’s why I’m uncertain if I should continue. I really do not wish to cause trouble.
And also the only reason why I join so many CCA is like because I want a confirmed road for Year 2. I want and I need a leadership role and that is why I need so many cca now. Because I have no past experience and lose out to so many people already. I need some back up plans.
I think many people would realise I ignore people a lot, but probably none ever wonder why. I admit, I ignore people a lot, and it is not a bad habit. It is a habit I forced myself to have. Sometimes, I do hear and catch what people say, I just pretend I didn’t because I do not want to hear it. Sometimes, I hear someone is talking but I filter it out because I’m scared of being stabbed with knives from the mouth again. If you ever experienced verbal bullying you will understand why I do that. The most painful knife ever coming from human, starts from words. Words can kill, and it nearly killed me. This is why I block off people. Even nice people who won’t hurt, I block them too because it is a habit. One that I want to have. Filtering words so that I will only hear things that I want to. Because hurting once is unlucky. Hurting twice is idiot. If I know that knives are coming, and I have a shield, why not use it? Even if it is not knives that come, at most I look stupid, but at least I’m still alive.
Ever seen this picture? I will answer for you okay?
1. 2am
2. Everyone
3. Those assholes.
Yup, everyone left me struggling alone.. Family, friends, they all left me. In my difficult times, who was there? Everyone left or blamed me. It’s not easy living past those days really. I should really go praise myself for actually resisting the temptation to just jump off this building to end everything. Luckily I lived. Because life is good now and people around me are kind (or that is what I think because I filter and block people). 2am inspired me too much. I saw how much sweat, pains and tears they shared before being famous. And after seeing all the efforts they put in, all the hardwork and pains they had before succeeding, inspired me to live on because one day, I will be like them. I will succeed and all the bad days will be nothing.
I’m jealous of people who have blurred memory of the past. I want to blur my memories too (or should I say nightmare). Blur them and keep it in my heart forever. I think living this way is better. Then maybe when it happens I can stop viewing boys as girls before being able to talk to them…
Okay, stupid things aside, Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire will be out tomorrow! I’m so gonna get my Omega Ruby right after Gen Ed. And guess who my starter will be?
Ta-dah! My achamo (also known as torchic). THIS IS A CHICK NOT A CHICKEN
#GOAL
