What if it was frozen but I just didn’t notice it?
Perhaps it had been chilly for long, but I ignored it till it froze and still it doesn’t bother me.
Maybe so much pain had numbed it.
Will I be able to feel again? Can I be moved once more?
I’m really confused recently.
Is it just the time is not right, or am I pushing everyone away from me?
I no longer remember, how it feels like to like somebody.
Forever joking about being a player but what if I am really fated to be one?
It is not like I cannot, but I don’t want.
Yet my greed tells me, if it is beneficial, why not?
As long as it is mutual, I get my benefit, no ones get hurt.
But why is it I feel like crap, as though a little girl’s disney dream had been dashed?
I know, happily ever after is bullshit.
Or maybe not.
Happily ever after are for princesses. Real princesses. Who are pretty even wearing rags, someone so beautiful and kind.
Which is not me. I’m not a real princess.
Thus happily ever after will not happen on me.
And since it wouldn’t, might as well make the best out of it.
I don’t want to have feelings for anyone anymore.
What’s the point of having a crush anyway.
Unless the person likes you back it is just mental torture.
After 4 years of mental torture for one guy I guess it is enough for this lifetime.
Doesn’t help when he get a gf. Hurts even more.
Probably that’s the time my heart died. And never revived ever since.
Don’t want to go through it anymore.
When I leave SP, what will happen?
I will meet many new guys again, many of them way better than me.
I should consider being a player than being a nun😂
A emotion-less game that brings me benefits. Doesn’t sound disadvantageous to me I guess.
But god, deity or whoever controls my fate
In my next life, can I be born as a pretty girl?
Maybe then I’ll understand fairytales.
But bless the soul of whoever to decides my fate.
Thanks for not letting me be the ugly duckling for my entire life.
Being an average swan is still better than be stuck as a duck.
Even though there are still way more prettier swans.
At least I can survive comfortably.
No more taunting just because I am ugly duckling. No more weird glares because you are too ugly to even exist.
Recently I did a major deletion on my facebook.
Deleted almost all my statuses since creating it.
I feel as though I’m cheating the people I am going to meet in future.
But I don’t want people to dig my past. I don’t want people to know.
The lesser they know the better it is.
I know, very soon I’m going to be in a situation where all that matters is my survival.
I may even get involved in politics and stuffs.
Just let them imagine that my past is spotless.
I will not let people get an advantage.
This is a man eat man world. The strongest will win.
I will try my best to win.
What is wrong with me and my late night thoughts hahahaha…
It is 1:10AM. I should sleep instead of thinking so much.
It is now 1:17AM. And I’m feeling jealous about the chio bu clique.
Is like they don’t even need to put in effort to look good.
While I have to waste time and money to make myself human like before leaving home.
There is never an advantage to be born ugly man😂
Ok what is wrong with me why am I jealous about those girls anyway.
Tsk
1:32AM
Still can’t sleep oh god. 8AM class and it is biostats><
I derived at a good point of not being fabulously pretty.
You become mentally stronger😂
After years of bullying, weird glances, marginalisation, low self-esteem I guess you will get used to it one day that it no longers affects you anymore.
As though your emotion became a statue.
Almost 2AM now…
I sometimes can’t help but wonder…
All these guys I met in poly, what happens if they met me earlier. I wonder how will they treat me.
Probably like shit?
Or not?
Gosh time to stop thinking I hate my brain.
I wish I’m not as sickly as I am.
Forever falling sick for almost zero reasons. Random headaches, cramps, pains everywhere😅
Don’t even know what is wrong with me.
Also wishing my scoliosis can miraculously cure itself. It became so bad recently… perhaps time for op alrdy😭
Ok, enough depressing stuff. May morning come and I’ll get my usual positivity back.💪
