I’m starting to wonder if coming to NTU is a huge mistake.
I’m tired. Very very tired. I haven’t generated anything useful since coming here. I didn’t get what I initially wanted when I accepted their offer.
To be honest, I’m only here because my previous place was draining me out and I didn’t want to start at a new lab just to leave in less than a year. And because of the corona.
If covid never happened, and I was given a tour of NTU labs during the interview, I am very sure that there is no way I will come here. Not being fussy but it is really a massive downgrade from the previous labs that I was in.
The people here are nice but I don’t feel like I fit in. At my previous place, I know the people, everything is familiar and I am very comfortable. If I were to be frank, I might not have left so early if covid didn’t happen and they didn’t make researchers do triage duty for months. Sure, the pay is shit and I hate experimenting on mice, but at least it felt like a second home. Waking up to go to work didn’t felt like a chore back then.
I don’t feel the bond here. I’m tired. I hate everything. I know after typing and crying, I’ll have to suck it up and finish my work and continue with life. But I’m really wondering if I made a huge mistake coming here just because I have no other choice at that time. If I had just sucked it up and waited till covid is over, would I be able to join a better institution to do my PhD instead? I don’t know.
Nothing I do is working out. I was having a good moment in the morning then everything crashes down in just a few hours. I am so damn sick and tired of this and I’ve barely started on this journey. It doesn’t help when there’s nobody to rant to.
I don’t want to do coursework. In fact, I don’t even want to do research right now. I just want to disconnect and rest. For a very very long time. I don’t know what I want anymore. I felt like maybe I’m just not good at this. I got here through unconventional ways. I didn’t follow the routes most people took. Could this all be a mistake?
What if I wasn’t made to do this?
All I wanted is to do good science to benefit the sick and dying people. Guess I dreamt too big. Perhaps I’m not destined to do big things in life. I don’t know. Can someone tell me?
I think I fucked up majorly.
This is my lonely journey. Buckle up your seatbelt and follow me on this ride. It’s been a bad month. I wished I never started this journey. But it’s too late to back out and I have no idea what else can I do when I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life wanting this. I’m finally a scientist that I hoped to be when I was young. But why is it still so tiring and difficult?
Why did toddler me want to help the sick and in pain? Why can’t I want to get rich instead? Life would be so much easier and maybe happier if I just wanted the moolah, isn’t it?
I hate god for letting me know what I want, but too dumb to achieve it.
